The Oznot Chronicles

Part III: The Return of Robert D. Oznot

The following Princetonians were involved--either wittingly or unwittingly--in the incidents described in this section: Robert S. Andre, Jr. '76; John H. Beers '76; Charles D. Brown, Jr. '75; Carolyn M. Burk '76; Shantayanan Devarajan '75; John Fedors, Jr. '75; John S. Fletcher '75; Malcolm W. Howard '75; David D. Lewis '77; William L. Liscom '76; W. Thomas McGough, Jr. '75; J. Patrick McLaughlin '76; David G. Offensend '75; Marian T. Ott '76; William H. Pfund '75; Craig E. Philip '75; H. Thomas Platt, III '76; William B. Sawch '76; Nancy E. Seline '76; Linnet R. Tse '76; David Urbanik '76; Richard A. Waldron '75; Wayne C. Willcox '75; Lawrence B. Wilson '75; and Carl R. Yudell '75.
In the early 1970's, Princeton University underwent a lot of changes. The disruption caused by the "energy crisis," the implementation of coeducation on the Princeton campus, the escalation and subsequent demise of the war in Vietnam, the brouhaha of the sexual revolution, and the widespread adoption of polyester fabrics in contemporary fashion contributed to a campus environment that always was entertaining and occasionally was downright absurd.

It was this sort of campus environment that spawned the return of Robert D. Oznot.
1972 - 1973

In the Fall of 1972, a new crop of residents moved into their rooms in the third entryway of the Hamilton Hall dormitory at Princeton University.

It was not long before the newcomers discovered that they lived among a legend: the plaque honoring Robert D. "Ozzie" Oznot.
The Oznot Plaque in Hamilton Hall

The plaque was displayed prominently above the fireplace in the room numbered 302 Hamilton Hall [several years later, the rooms on the first floor of the third entryway were renumbered, and it is believed that this room is now 312 Hamilton Hall in Mathey College].
The Oznot Plaque and Fireplace
John Fedors '75 (l) and John Beers '76 (r) next to the Oznot plaque in 302 Hamilton Hall. Beers was a resident of the "Oznot Suite" in 1972-1973

The name "Oznot" was a familiar one, for the Daily Princetonian had made a point of educating all new students about the Legend of Joseph D. Oznot (see Part II of the Oznot Chronicles) upon their arrival on campus.
The 1971 Daily Princetonian Dictionary

In those days, increasing numbers of Princeton students were exhibiting signs of socially deviant behavior: they were beginning to lose their sense of humor in the academic fog. In reaction to this disturbing trend, some of the occupants of the third entry of Hamilton Hall decided that Robert D. Oznot needed to return to Princeton.

One of their first actions was to create some modern-day legitimacy for his name.
A business card was designed....something that suggested international sophistication and credibility befitting "Ozzie's" reputation.
The Robert D. Oznot Business Card

With a company name like "Oznot Associates," Robert D. Oznot needed to have business partners. The following names were added to the company stationery:
  • William I. Peinot (for "Bill I Pay Not"--see below);
  • Franz O. Kuchen (every international financial firm has to have at least one Swiss member);
  • Ismella D. Rose (as in "I smella de rose"--see below);
  • Jerome N. Suis-Personne (a Frenchman, short for "Je ne suis personne," or "I am nobody");
  • Lawrence D. Humphrey (a good English name with no ulterior meaning); and
  • Paul I. Niemand (German, short for "Paul ist Niemand," or "Paul is no one").

The Oznot Associates Stationery

One Hamilton Hall resident discovered that all kinds of free mail could be received simply by filling out postcards for catalogues and other mass-mailings. Soon, large amounts of junk mail were arriving for Mr. Robert D. Oznot at 302 Hamilton Hall, much to the utter confusion of the two freshmen students occupying that room.

It also was discovered that subscriptions to magazines could be ordered by entering one's name and address on a subscription postcard, checking the box marked "Bill me," and sending in the postcard. Shortly thereafter, a wide variety of magazines began to arrive for a certain Mr. William I. Peinot at the address of 312 Hamilton Hall. The only problem was, there was no 312 Hamilton Hall. Someone soon produced a perfect replica of a University mail slot, which was installed in the door to the janitor's broom closet in the hallway. The room number "312" was painted on the door, and a new "dormitory room" was created for Bill Peinot. Even the mailman got into the act, by putting all of Mr. Peinot's mail through the mailslot into the broom closet. Mr. Peinot and his friends enjoyed their magazines for a while, but this didn't last long. Soon, very impolite "Payment Due" letters began to arrive for Mr. Peinot instead. The only magazine that would not send any issues until payment was received was Playboy. Such thoughtlessness was not appreciated at all by Mr. Peinot or by his friends.

The highlight of the mail campaign came when William I. Peinot received a letter from the American Express Company, inviting him to apply for an American Express Card in view of his "good credit history!" Mr. Peinot decided to leave home without it.

One free catalogue that Robert Oznot enjoyed immensely was the Jackson & Perkins rose catalogue from the famous mail order outfit in Medford, Oregon. He appreciated the products so much, that he decided to send a free subscription for the catalogue to some of his undergraduate friends. The name of the recipient of the catalogue at their dormitory address was, of course, Ismella D. Rose.
The gift card from Ismella D. Rose

Ismella was quite flattered by this gesture, and sent Robert D. Oznot some very nice roses for his birthday.

1973 - 1974
By early 1974, the Oznot Associates thought that it was about time that they received more formal recognition by the University. They decided that the appropriate thing to do would be for some of them to enter Room Draw.

Room Draw was a byzantine lottery process that allowed students to choose their dormitory rooms for the subsequent school year. In the Room Draw held in the Spring of 1974, Paul Niemand '75, Lawrence D. Humphrey '77 and Franz O. Kuchen '77 all ended up with authentic room assignments, the latter two occupying the famous "Oznot Suite."
The 1974-1975 Princeton Campus Telephone Directory

This accomplishment was made impressive by the fact that the University's mainframe computer system had to be compromised in order to enter the fictitious names into the lottery, and three co-conspirators had to show up at the University Housing Office in order to register for the chosen rooms. Eventually, the University discovered that these rooms were unoccupied, and some unsuspecting freshmen ended up living in these palatial suites in the Fall of 1974.

Ismella D. Rose, not wanting to be left out, decided that she needed to become a full-fledged Princetonian as well. In the summer of 1974, she joined the Princeton Class of 1978 by landing a cameo role its Freshman picture book, known as the Freshman Herald.
The Class of 1978 Freshman Herald

Ismella resurfaced in the 1979 Freshman Herald, where one Faye Canayme ("Fake Name") went to Ismella D. Rose High School.

1974 - 1975

The student government at Princeton (known as the UGA) traditionally has been a proving ground for future parliamentarians, lawyers and lobbyists. In the Fall of 1974, the UGA was populated by a particulary earnest crop of these types of students. On October 14, 1974, The Daily Princetonian published an article about a recent UGA meeting that stretched the boundaries of common sensibility.

October 14, 1974 Daily Princetonian

Paul I. Niemand had his journalistic debut in the Prince on October 18, 1974 with his own satirical version of this article:

October 18, 1974 Daily Princetonian

One irate member of the UGA used the 1974 Campus Telephone Directory to telephone Paul and give him a verbal thrashing in response to the article, much to the utter confusion of the unsuspecting freshman who had "inherited" the Niemand Suite in 306 Hamilton Hall.

In January of 1975, the record shows that the Merton Society, America's oldest "Tea Drinking and Whisky" Speaking Society, decided to give a Memorial Lecture Series in honor of one of their early members, Robert D. "Ozzie" Oznot.

In February of 1975, Robert D. Oznot wrote a letter to the occupants of 302 Hamilton Hall (the ones who benefited from Franz Kuchen's and Lawrence Humphrey's "No-Shows" earlier in the year), and asked them to save his mail, which by then must have been voluminous.
February 11, 1975 letter

At the end of the school year, Robert D. Oznot enjoyed all of the privileges afforded to the members of the graduating Class of 1975. One of these was the opportunity to leave a message for posterity in the 1975 Nassau Herald yearbook.

His presence in the 1975 Nassau Herald inspired other sympathizers to come forward:
  • Oratio Woodie Woo Burr (Lampooning the campus politicians, many of whom were students in the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs)

  • Edward S. Hall (Lampooning the campus hippies, many of whom lived in a self-proclaimed "commune" in the Edwards Hall dormitory)

After graduation, Robert D. Oznot attended Le Cordon Rouge school of Basse Cuisine in Paris, France. He currently is the owner of a popular eponymous restaurant located at 79 Berry Street at 9th Street in Brooklyn, New York, telephone (718) 599-6596.

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